I need to call my cable company. My service is screwed up. I tried to tune in the debate between the Vice-Presidential candidates but kept getting “Dancing With the Stars.” Every channel I tried, it was the same thing: Joe Biden and Sarah Palin waltzing each other around the stage at Washington University in St. Louis.

They held each other at arm’s length, like Fred and Ginger in those old black-and-white movies. They were careful not to step on each other’s toes. Their instructors – must have come from Arthur Murray, right? – were surely proud.

But they did not debate. Not really. Each was so afraid of making a bad step that they came off as brittle. Each carefully followed the mental footprints that had been drilled into their minds. You could almost hear somebody off stage saying, “One, two three, turn…now one, two three, bow…”

Palin gave away her strategy when she told Biden and moderator Gwen Ifll of PBS that she intended to talk directly to the TV camera instead of answering questions the way they might want. In other words, she had her little two-step down pat and she was going to stick to it. And she did, sometimes giving answers that had little or nothing to do with the topic at hand.

But, oh, weren’t they a charming couple? Here was Gentleman Joe, the courtly elder statesman. And there was Saccharine Sarah, the dazzling ingénue. Watching her, I couldn’t help but think of Eliza Doolittle in “My Fair Lady.”

Whoever was assigned the role of Professor Henry Higgins – has anybody seen Karl Rove lately? – turned her virtually overnight from the clueless pretender we saw in the Katie Couric interview to nerveless contender who didn’t stumble mainly because Biden never forced her to face the music.

Read the Rest After the Jump. . .

She absolutely exceeded expectations, no question, but that’s not saying much considering how low the expectations were. The truth be told, the Republicans and their mouthpieces on talk radio were hoping mainly that she would be able to avoid tripping over her own syntax, not to mention her lack of knowledge, and falling on her face.

When she didn’t do that – so what if she blew the name of the American military commander in Afghanistan? – the Republicans were quick to claim victory. She survived! She didn’t screw up! She even winked at her dad and husband in the audience!

Indeed, there was a coquettish about Palin that bordered on flirtation. Looking right into the camera and smiling her megawatt smile – she is a babe, nobody disputes that – she outrageously tried to seduce the judges!

Biden could do nothing but keep dancing. Aware that the Limbaughs of the world were poised to jump him for being – take your pick – mean, condescending, rude, or insensitive he pulled his punches whenever Palin gave him an opening.

Such as the time when Palin said, “Oh, yeah, it’s so obvious I’m a Washington outsider. And someone just not used to the way you guys operate. Because here you voted for the war and now you opposed the war. You’re one who says, as many politicians do, I was for it before I was against it, or vice-versa. Americans are craving that straight talk…”

This would be have been an excellent time for Biden to point out how Palin flip-flopped on the infamous “Bridge to Nowhere.” She was for it until it was obvious that public opinion was overwhelming against it. But instead of boring in, Gentleman Joe let it pass.

Also, Biden declined several opportunities to ridicule Palin’s comments about the need for change. He could have pointed out that both tickets are running against the epic failures of the Bush-Cheney administration. But he didn’t. He didn’t even offer a crisp rejoinder when Palin chided him about talking about the past.

Biden should have told Palin he didn’t blame her for not wanting to talk about the last eight years, considering how badly the Bush-Cheney team has screwed up. He should have squeezed her on the Republicans’ attempt to have it both ways – to endorse change without condemning the Bush-Cheney debacle. Instead, he let Palin slip and slide out of his grasp.

Oddly, considering how many women seem to think they’ve cornered the market on sensitivity, it was Biden, not Palin, who had the only genuinely emotional moment of the evening. Tired of hearing Palin talk as if she owned the franchise on parenthood, Biden said:

“The notion that, somehow, because I’m a man, I don’t know what it’s like to raise two kids alone, I don’t know what it’s like to have a child you’re not sure is going to make it. I understand as well as, with all due respect, the governor or anybody else, what it’s like for those people sitting around that kitchen table. And guess what? They’re looking for help.”

But Emotional Joe quickly morphed back into Gentleman Joe and the band played on. At the end, it was surprising that Biden didn’t bow and Palin didn’t curtsy. It was a well-choreographed pas de deux, and both dancers avoided missteps and pratfalls. Biden didn’t come off as an intellectual bully and Palin didn’t do much to embarrass herself, unless you count the winks and her relentless attempt to show how average she really is.

I felt cheated. I wanted a debate, I got dancing. It seems only fair that the next time I want dancing, I get Cloris Leachman in a tight gown with sequins and a slit up the side, talking about how she would solve the economic crisis.