LOUISVILLE, Ky. (FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE) – At a press conference held in his imagination, the coach of the Louisville Media All-Stars announced today that the members of the U.S. Olympic gold-medal team all have declined invitations to suit up against the Metro Council Deliberators at 1:30 p.m. on Saturday, Sept. 13, at the Hoops basketball complex near Sam’s Club.

“I thought we had a real shot at Dwyane Wade,” said Coach Billy Reed, “because he loved beating up on Louisville and Kentucky when he was in college. Unfortunately, however, he didn’t seem to think our offer of a T-shirt and all the Papa John’s pizza he could eat was quite enough.”

On a positive note, however, Reed said that several outstanding media performers have been added to the roster for the much-anticipated game, which will be a preliminary to the annual Patriot Game between the fire and police departments. That game will begin at 2:30 p.m. with all proceeds going to The Healing Place.

As of the moment, here’s the media roster and thumbnail sketches:

Check out the media all-star lineup after the jump:

Kyle Draper, WHAS TV – A lovable teddy bear on camera, he turns into Shaq Lite when they toss it up.
Terry Meiners, WHAS Radio – This veteran performer, the best-conditioned man in radio, will provide instant offense – what else? – off the bench. He holds the all-time NCAA record for consecutive years imitating a retired coach.
Keith Farmer, WLKY – He swears he’s no relation to Richie and has the game to prove it.
Kendrick Haskins, WAVE – He’s no kin to the guy who coached Texas Western when it beat Rupp’s Runts in 1966, but that doesn’t guarantee there won’t be some Big Blue diehards who will boo him, just for the heck of it.
Will Graves, Associated Press – He’s the team’s best defender because he can cover anything.
Kent Taylor, WAVE – He has been working with Bob Domine for so long that he deserves a trophy, no matter how the game comes out. He leads all local media in lobs and assists.
Rick Redding, TheVilleVoice.com – As proprietor of the hottest blog in town, Redding will be a marked man. Look for the Deliberators to try to muzzle him by using Doug Hawkins in a box-and-chaser defense.
Mike Olmstead, WDRB — His house, which bears his name, is a popular site for wedding receptions and other social events.
Tom Lane, WDRB – Isn’t The Olmstead located on Tom Lane?
Stephen George, LEO Weekly – He’s easy to defend because he never goes to his right, but his sharp elbows will find their way into the ribs of unsuspecting Metro Council rebounders.
Tony Vanetti, WKRD 970 the “Afternoon Underdogs” – Radio fans are anxious to see if he can make it without partner Adam Neft, who daily draws attackers away from Vanetti.
Cary Stemle, press secretary for Bruce Lunsford — In the interest of fairness and balance, we will make room on the squad for a Mitch McConnell flack if there’s one who wants to suit up (and we don’t mean a pinstriped one, either).

Coach Reed indicated that he’s holding a couple of spots open in case he can recruit Scott Padgett and Dave Ragone from 93.9 The Ticket.

“We really need Padgett,” said Coach Reed. “I’m urging all our fans to bombard him with voice mails and instant messages. In fact, I’m thinking seriously of bringing in former Indiana coach Kelvin Sampson to show us just how that’s done.”

Reed said he also has one-game contracts waiting on Eric Crawford of The Courier-Journal, Tony Cruise of WHAS Radio, and Jim Kelch and Matt Andrews of the Louisville Bats radio team.

“Cruise has a lot of hot dog in him,” said the coach, “but his trash-talking would be a distraction, hopefully more for them than for us. Crawford has a great pedigree – he and his dad are the Luke and Bill Walton of local journalism – and I’m trying to lure Kelch and Andrews by promising they also can be judges for the dance-team contest.”

For ticket information, contact The Healing Place, 1020 W. Market Street, Louisville, Ky., 40202 or 502-585-4848.