Today we are proud to bring you the first installment of our public-service series, “Ask Colonel Billy.” The purpose is to give you a way to find out everything you ever wanted to know about the Kentucky Derby but were too scared – or stoned, as the case may be – to ask. Today’s topic, submitted by inquisitive reader Martha in Florida, is, “How do race horses get their names?”

Ha! Good question. The first thing you should know is that no matter what you always may have suspected, most thoroughbreds are not named by a committee consisting of big-time college basketball players who have failed remedial English. The misspellings and run-together words are intentional, believe it or not.

It also is not true, generally speaking, that race horses are named by the same people who name rock bands and their songs. Take Anak Nakal, for example. You might think this is a hot new rap group who will be one of the hot items at the Barnstable-Brown party. But you would be wrong. Anak Nakal is a thoroughbred whose name translates to mean, in English, “Jerry Abramson.”

O.K., I made that up. I have no idea what Anak Nakal is, but somebody decided to hang that name on a horse and the Jockey Club approved it.

So now you’re probably thinking, “Colonel Billy, what is the Jockey Club and how short do I have to be to join?”

Well, despite what the name suggests, the Jockey Club is not an organization for the height-challenged men and women who ride horses. In fact, I’m betting that no actual jockey has ever belonged to the Jockey Club because, you see, the Jockey Club is a very snooty and exclusive organization of bluebloods.

So far as I know, and I’ve been around this game a long time, nobody has ever actually seen a member of the Jockey Club. The main qualification for membership is to be rich – and the older the money, the better.

The only way we know the Jockey Club actually exists is that it has approval rights over the names of horses. The rules are as strict. No name can exceed 18 characters, including spaces, which is why there’s a horse in this year’s Derby named Recapturetheglory instead of Recapture The Glory.

Odd, isn’t it, that such an old-school group would countenance such a horrid run-together name and please don’t get Colonel Billy started on the bad spelling or the spinoffs from great sires such as Seattle Slew and Storm Cat.

The Jockey Club also does not permit horses to be named after living persons without that person’s permission – and even then some names wouldn’t be accepted. For example, we simply couldn’t have a filly named Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan running around now, could we? Oh, my, think of all the tasteless jokes.

In addition, a certain amount of time must pass before names can be recycled. That’s the literal reason we have never seen another Secretariat. The Jockey Club also would undoubtedly reject names like Secretariat Jr., Secretariat II, or Secretariatthegreat.

So to review, the process goes like this: The people who own throughbreds submit names to the Jockey Club. The members of the Jockey Club then get together at a secret location, probably somewhere inside the Pentagon, to review the names according to their criteria. Some names are accepted, many are rejected. And that is how a name such as Halo Najib gets inflicted on the public.

It is my fervent believe that an authority higher than the Jockey Club – the gods of racing – simply will not allow horses with certain names to win the Kentucky Derby. For example, the reason Shawklit Won finished 11th in 1987 wasn’t so much that he was a bad horse. It was his name. The gods of racing would never allow such an atrocity to be added to gilded list of Derby winners.

So let’s look at this year’s field from the name angle:

Adriano – If a Barbaro can win the Derby, so can an Adriano. Which makes me wonder: Isn’t there an actress named something like Adriano Barbaro? Who am I thinking of? Did she ever appear at the Barnstable-Brown party?
Big Brown – Named after UPS, which has a major hub in Louisville. The home of the Derby has so many things named after one Brown or another that this name, along with his unbeaten 3-for-3 record, will guarantee he’ll be one of the favorites. Of course, his name also could refer to the stain in a lot of his fans’ underwear if he gets beat in a photo finish.
Big Truck – You might as well couple him with Big Brown for a Big Exacta payoff. Frankly, I don’t like big trucks. I’ve had too many try to blow me off the interstates. Big Truck will need Big Luck to get a piece of the purse.
Bob Black Jack – It would be ironic if Governor Steve Beshear, whose efforts to legalize casino gambling got stomped in the General Assembly, had to present the Derby trophy to this horse. He surely would be a popular choice in Kentucky’s neighboring states, which every year rake in an estimated $1 billion from Kentucky gamblers.
Cool Coal Man – This is something of an oxymoron because every Kentuckian knows that coal-mine owners are not cool, by and large. However, if the colt was named for a miner, that’s an entirely different story. Miners are cool.
Colonel John –- This horse isn’t named after the likely Republican nominee for President of the U.S., at least so far as I know. Nevertheless, he’ll get a lot of support from conservatives and war vets.
Cowboy Cal – I’d like it better if he were named Cowboy Carl, after Nafzger, the former rodeo bull rider who won the Derby in 1990 with Unbridled and last year with Street Sense. Don’t count him out.
Court Vision – What Edgar Sosa lacked in his sophomore season at U of L. This is a wonderful name in a state where basketball is worshipped. Trained by the esteemed Bill Mott, this colt loves to come from off the pace and I expect him to be in a position to win as the field turns down the stretch.
Denis of Cork – He’ll get the Irish vote.
Eight Belles – Quick now, guys: Name the eight belles – they don’t have to be southern – with whom you’ve had the most fun at the Derby. You don’t have to include your wife, but it might be a good idea if you did. This filly has an excellent chance to be the fourth of her gender to win the Derby.
Gayego – Owned by Cubanacan Stables, I’ll bet a cheap cigar against a Havanna that he’ll be embargoed before he wins the Derby. (It’s not true that Gayego was the horn player in Ricky Ricardo’s band.)
Monba – Wasn’t this a dance craze in the 1950s? If not, it should have been. He was the surprising winner of the Blue Grass Stakes and could be the one that finally allows mega-trainer Todd Pletcher to add the Derby to his resume.
Pyro – Some like it hot and some like Pyro. Personally, I’m not on fire about him. He has speed to burn, but I’m afraid he’ll go up in flames when the Derby field hits the eighth pole.
Recapturetheglory – If a runtogether name ever wins the Derby, it might as well be this one. The gods of racing owe his owners, Louie Roussel and Ronnie Lamarque, a Derby because they didn’t allow their Risen Star, the best horse in the field, to win the 1988 Run for the Roses.
Smooth Air – I may have to put at least a couple of bucks on this one because smooth air is what I devoutly coveted when I was doing a lot of traveling. Here in Kentucky, we need some smooth air after all the hot air and turbulence that characterized our most recent legislative session.
Tale of Ekati – His name comes from Tale of the Cat, a son of Storm Cat. To me, this sounds like a foreign movie with subtitles.
Visionaire – A millionaire with vision has to be a visionaire, right? Is is possible that Bruce Lunsford, candidate for the U.S. Senate, paid somebody to name this horse for him? Couild this be a violation of election finance campaign laws? Mitch McConnell might want to sic his attack dogs on this one.
Z Fortune and Z Humor – If both these get in the field, you can bet a Z exacta. But when I look at their past performances, the only Z’s I get are the ones that you produce when you sleep. Strictly Snoresville.

Thanks for your attention and tune in again soon for another edition of “Ask Colonel Billy.” Our next topic of crucial interest will be “Why are the lines always so long at the womens restrooms.”